Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
