..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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