Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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