The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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