i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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