It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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