I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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