I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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