The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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