I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
