I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
