Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
