I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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