If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
