the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dignity is for republicans.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
