please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
