Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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