Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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