I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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