Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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