so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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