I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
