I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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