We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My feet surprised me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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