i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
