He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize