ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
