i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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