ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
