do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
organizing the empties. That sober.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize