Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize