i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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