In the future we'll all be gay
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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