I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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