he puts the penis in happiness.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize