Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
