I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
