The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
