i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
