Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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