I wish I only lived at night.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
