hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
