I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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