Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
