i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
