i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
