I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
