I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
