dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
