Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
