Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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