I just pynch a tree in the face
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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