turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
