you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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