the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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