he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
