Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
