Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is this the sara with the beer cane?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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