K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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