everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
