When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
