Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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