Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
