we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
