I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
