Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
