This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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