so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
