Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
