Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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